


maybe i just wanna be yours

by mercunana



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But more hurt than comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hinata Shouyou is a Good Friend, Hurt/Comfort, Nervous Yachi Hitoka, Pain, Slight Manga Spoilers, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Yachi Hitoka-centric, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend, but still, like tiny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:59:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29165331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercunana/pseuds/mercunana
Summary: yachi wanted to believe in soulmates. she convinced herself that one day, there would be her perfect half who would stand right next to her and hold her hand through the storms. maybe it was the naivety of yachi's childish, romantic heart that convinced her that any one person she felt was her soulmate, would automatically be hers.she hadn't even considered the fact that her soulmate would already have their own.she figured it out the hard way.she fell in love with shimizu kiyoko.or the one where yachi falls in an unrequited love with kiyoko, and it hurts.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Yachi Hitoka, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	maybe i just wanna be yours

**Author's Note:**

> alright, hello. this is it, the heartbreaking angst i provide for kiyoyachi enthusiasts who agree that yachi might just be one of the gayest haikyuu characters.  
> but this is also just how i imagine events playing out if yachi canonically had feelings for kiyoko, how she would deal with it, and also figuring out her identity, that kind of thing. so this is very closely related to the anime just with yachi figuring her feelings out. so yeah! i hope you enjoy!! or not because it gets really sad :(
> 
> \+ also bonus for yall shobio/kagehina and tsukiyama enthusiasts (me) i couldn't resist adding them in <3  
> their relationships are up to you to determine platonic or romantic :)!

yachi hitoka believed in soulmates.

at least, she _wanted_ to believe in a world where you could meet your 'perfect half'. someone you could call your 'soulmate', 'lover', 'fated'...

'yours.'

she knew it was probably too much to ask for, yet she wished that wasn't the case. her heart was so open to loving others unconditionally, and finding that special person to which she could devote her heart and soul to making happy and giving the gift of love. but even as she was not a negative person in the slightest, she couldn't escape the nagging feeling in her head that told her it would never come true.

it was obvious by now that yachi hitoka was also a stupid romantic. she lived with her head in the clouds, dreaming of a life she could live with the love of her life, somewhere in europe, maybe, just the two of them living in a cottage. she kept her fantasies as just that, a fantasy.

yet yachi wanted to believe in soulmates, because she saw it in the pairs around her. neither labeled as platonic or romantic, there were people destined to meet each other, and destined to lift one another up. she saw it in the way kageyama leaned on hinata for support and how yamaguchi brought out the softness in tsukishima's cold personality. she looked left and right and saw pairings that were so obviously and beautifully meant to be, then she looked to her side, and saw an empty space.

but soulmates were real. and she convinced herself that one day, there would be her perfect half who would stand right next to her and hold her hand through the storms. maybe it was the naive of yachi's childish, romantic heart that convinced her that any one person she felt was her soulmate, would automatically be hers.

she hadn't even considered the fact that her soulmate would already have their own.

she figured it out the hard way.

she fell in love with shimizu kiyoko.

it started first, with the pure admiration of kiyoko's good looks. that's all there was to it. 

yachi was walking down the first year hallway, her whole entire being a ball of nerves as she bowed and glanced around at the loud groups of boys and the people that ran around the halls like mice. she found it hard to concentrate in crowded places, which made highschool hallways her least favorite place to be. until she saw the glimpse of blue hair that made her freeze in her tracks.

even the busy students around her slowed down their movements to turn around and stare at the third year beauty that made her way down their hall. people whispered, some boys made an attempt to move forward and maybe ask her something, but were blinded by intimidation and the sheer beauty she possessed. 

yachi hitoka was not exempt from this mindset, as her jaw fell slack at the being in front of her. 

right in front of her. yup. 

yachi had been so blinded by her admiration, it had taken her a couple moments to have noticed that the pretty girl had stopped right in front of her, and faced her with a small smile. the feeling had settled into yachi's bones a little too slowly as it took a delicate hand to wave across her face for yachi to finally realize the severity of the situation. a pretty third year stood right in front of her, trying to get yachi's attention while simultaneously already having captivated her from the moment she had stepped onto the tiles of the first year hall.

yachi snapped herself out of her thoughts and hesitantly glanced up to meet her eyes. 

_"i'm kiyoko, kiyoko shimizu."_

she had said her name. and from that moment on, the name never left yachi's mind.

yachi stood there, nodding like an idiot as kiyoko smiled, causing yachi to mirror her, smiling though having no reason to. 

_"and yours?"_

it took a few moments too many for yachi to comprehend what she had to do. 

"yachi! yachi hitoka! nice- nice to meet you!" yachi flung herself into a ninety degree bow and kiyoko shook her head and asked her to stand up and yachi blushed furiously, she had mentally slapped herself for looking stupid. but her mind was occupied by kiyoko's laugh, a pretty sound was all yachi knew to describe it. it was the kind of laugh where you would stop and smile along, even if you had no clue what she found funny. 

_"i was wondering if you were interested in being the new manager.. for the volleyball team"_

kiyoko's eyes were the same color as her hair. 

yachi took note of this immediately as her eyes were drawn to the intoxicating navy blue color of kiyoko's eyes. then, a strand of her hair had run loose from behind her ear and yachi caught sight of the color of that as well ; they were the same, so beautifully similar. yachi's eyes drank in the fact that kiyoko also had a mole beneath her lip- how yachi's eyes had traveled from observing her hair to her lips was a mystery, but nonetheless, yachi was mesmerized. 

_"hitoka? can i call you that?"_ the sound of yachi's name playing on kiyoko's lips shot her eyes back up to kiyoko's blue ones. 

"yes- sure, and yes, i would!" yachi blurted out, she hadn't really come to the realization of what exactly she was signing up for, but the glow on kiyoko's face was enough to make her worries melt away.

 _"great!"_ kiyoko nodded and yachi tucked her hair behind her ears in slight nervousness.

forest nymphs were said to be spirits of nature that took forms of beautiful, entrancing maidens that frolicked near rivers and woods.

if yachi were to imagine a nymph, the first image that would come to mind would be shimizu kiyoko. 

_so pretty.._ yachi had thought. 

_"oh, thank you."_ kiyoko smiled. 

yachi's fingers lifted quickly to cover her mouth as she realized she had said the words out loud. she blushed, a fierce scarlett covered her cheeks as she looked away from kiyoko in embarrassment. 

_"ah- hitoka, before i forget."_ kiyoko said and yachi looked over to meet her eyes. _"we're having practice later on wednesday. you should drop by."_

yachi contemplated for a split second before nodded quietly. "i-i'll try! i'll maybe drop by...yeah." she let her words trail on as she got lost in kiyoko's eyes, and the details of her face, how her skin glowed in the sun. she was hypnotizingly gorgeous.

 _"well i'll see you around, hitoka-san."_ kiyoko dipped her head and yachi forced herself down into a ninety degree bow once again and she heard kiyoko chuckle. 

"g-goodbye kiyoko-san!" yachi spoke quickly and swiftly as she heard the steps of kiyoko's shoes on the hardwood floor. 

yachi did not stand up until she peeked over and saw kiyoko turn the corner. she walked toward the walls and leaned against it for support. she placed her hand over her chest as she sighed. _have i ever seen a girl so pretty? i don't think i have..._

she shook her head violently as she heard the bell ring for her next class. _quit thinking about the pretty third year._ she had told herself. 

what she did not know was that she would never, ever be able to forget about the pretty third year named kiyoko shimizu. 

her feelings progressed as she got to know kiyoko more, and realized that her personality so unfairly mirrored her outer beauty. 

how could someone be so gorgeous, and also have a beautiful soul. double threat. 

perhaps she should've known kiyoko was a nice person the moment kiyoko had so sweetly approached her in the first year hallway, wearing a kind smile and speaking so softly as to not disturb her. but then, yachi was only blinded by her glow. 

although as kiyoko had led her toward the gym, she noticed how her presence turned heads. how the boys in the gym who were busy stretching, glanced up to meet her gaze as she entered the gym. something about her stare seemed to draw the team into a small huddle, a few moments passing before they noticed yachi standing beside her. 

_wow there are so many men in this gym._ was yachi’s first thought.

men, well not exactly men, but six foot tall(ish) highschool boys sure as hell looked like scary, intimidating men. they slammed their palms against volleyballs, the loud smacks that landed on the gym floors made yachi shriek quietly. the look on their faces was of concentration and focus on the sport, yet their faces held murderous intent. she felt chills run up her spine. 

men were so scary when they-

well, men were scary. period. 

but they were freakishly six times more frightening when they went around slamming volleyballs against the gym floor with so much strength she was sure their arms would fall off. 

_"ah! kiyoko-san! is this our new manager?"_ a boy around her age had jumped up to join the group. his head full of blazing orange hair had caught yachi's eye first; he looked familiar. a couple seconds passed before yachi comprehended the boy's words, she almost shrieked out loud, instead, she settled for a small jump. and a not so small yelp. 

manager? a new manager? she barely knew anything about volleyball, she had only agreed because kiyoko was just so hypnotizingly beautiful- she probably would not have much interest in becoming manager, but hearing the question come from kiyoko, she felt compelled to agree. now, she was half regretting it, only because she knew it would make her anxious and stressed out to have that responsibility-

 _"well, let's not make hitoka too nervous here, she's just going to look around."_

yachi let out a small sigh of relief.

_thank god for kiyoko._ she had thought, then she shook her head a small blush playing on her cheeks. that was not what she meant. well, maybe it was, but that was all there was to it. she was glad kiyoko was there just because she was the only person she was familiar with. yeah. 

the boys calmed down slightly, but still bombarded her with formalities, bowing and introducing themselves. 

a boy with his hair pulled back into a man bun, and eyes that glared down at her had stepped forward and bowed, introducing himself. yachi could not help but think he looked a few years too old for a third year. _"azumane asahi, nice to meet-"_ yachi felt extremely tiny under his gaze, she stepped back a bit, slightly frightened. 

_"god, asahi, you're scaring her!"_ another less scary, but still kind of frightening man hit asahi on the shoulder and he glanced up, his face softer now, more confused as he shook his head. _"am i scaring you? oh, oh sorry!"_

 _"you know, why don't you all just take a step back,"_ kiyoko said, and the boys complied. she let out a small smile as she looked toward yachi. yachi blinked once, twice, then hurriedly bowed when she saw the eager eyes all around her, waiting for an introduction. 

"uh- sorry, i'm yachi hitoka! pleased to meet you all!" she said, whilst still in her 90 degree bow. the boys laughed loudly and welcomed her with encouraging smiles and different 'nice to meet you's' thrown back at her. she managed a small smile, knowing already that these boys were nice, despite their scary outlook. ah, maybe these men weren’t so frightening after all. 

after a few moments, the boys were pumped to get back to practice, and hinata (the orange haired boy, she had learned) offered that they play a practice match. the rest of the boys agreed and they split teams. 

_"they're gonna play a practice match, why don't we watch over here?"_ kiyoko guided yachi to the side of the court and yachi nodded excitedly. they watched the boys prepare, some shirts came flying off and nonsensical threats made to one another with booming laughter made the place look like chaos. yet yachi noticed that the moment the game started, it was as if the place had a different air. an overwhelming amount of concentration and determination had swept the room up in flames and led the boys as they played. it was quite the scene. 

_"you know,”_ kiyoko hesitated, “ _these boys might be a little rowdy sometimes, a bit much, you might think at first glance..."_ kiyoko had said, her eyes trained on the team, but her voice was soft. yachi looked up at her and waited for her to continue. _"but i’ll tell you now- they bring a special kind of passion to every game they play, and they support one another unconditionally while chasing their own separate ambitions. they truly are an amazing team, hitoka-san."_ her eyes held a different glow as she spoke about the team, and yachi was suddenly compelled to cry, she didn't though, but she felt like it. 

"i understand, kiyoko-san. i’ve been here for only a short time, but it’s not hard to see these boys love this sport." she had smiled and kiyoko looked down at her for a split second with a small grin, "the way they smack that ball is so harsh," she imitated the motion of spiking and shuddered, "i feel like my arm would fly off. they're so strong." 

kiyoko chuckled, _"yes, they are."_

kiyoko had smiled, and two of the boys glanced over with an excited and oddly surprised look on their faces, and her smile had died as quickly as it had come. the boys waved over to her, one bald one and a shorter one with a streak of blonde in his hair and kiyoko only gave a faint nod. reluctantly, the boys turned their head away.

 _you have a very pretty smile._ she wanted to say. she didn’t. 

the boys played a very intense practice game against one another. every strike of the ball made yachi tense up in anxiety yet also excitement at the intensity. she found herself engrossed in the game, learning bits and pieces about how the sport was played, she let herself ask kiyoko about things she didn’t quite understand. kiyoko would lean down as she explained clearly everything yachi didn’t get about the game, and yachi felt the cogs in her brain work around the aspects and the details of volleyball. 

then, she saw the orange boy fly. she had sucked in a breath, her eyes glazed over with the reflection of hinata flying, _flying,_ as if he had real life wings that carried him above the net to slam the ball down. 

she didn’t have much time to stare in awe, as she realized where the ball was heading toward.

her face. the ball was heading straight toward her face at this immeasurable speed- as overdramatic as people can get, yachi swore she saw her life flash before her eyes.

she had to shut her eyes and brace for the impact. yet it never came. 

she had opened her eyes just to see the ball ricochet off of kiyoko’s arm and slam against the gym floor. hinata shouted a small word of apology and kiyoko only nodded. she turned to face yachi and yachi was struck frozen. her mind replayed the scene that her eyes opened to. kiyoko’s arm protectively hovered over her face, she blocked the hit that came her way with such effortless proficiency, yachi couldn’t help but feel a twinge of… a twinge of _something_ in her chest. she did not know what. 

_“are you alright, hitoka?”_ kiyoko had whispered, and yachi only nodded. she blinked a couple times and processed the scene a few times too many before she remembered her manners. 

“ah! thank you.” 

_“no need to worry.”_

**no need to worry.**

this was not good. not good in the slightest. because now, kiyoko was her knight in stupid shining armor. 

_get out of your shoujo manga mind, yachi._ she internally screamed at herself. _you aren’t living some romance manga- romance?!_

_not romance. kiyoko’s a girl._

_just shut up already._

_no one is speaking. are you dumb?_

_yeah well- stop thinking stupid things!_

_“hitoka-san?”_ she heard the soft ring of kiyoko’s voice and snapped to her senses. kiyoko stood and waved her hand in front of yachi’s face a couple times before she had dropped her arm to her side. she gave a small smile before she led yachi to the gym doors, yachi did not ignore the protective hand that stayed hovered over her side. 

_“it was great to have you.”_ kiyoko told her and yachi only smiled and thanked her profusely. 

the boys had rounded up for some other talk about games, matches and things yachi did not understand- she did, however, understand that kiyoko should be there. yet she wasn’t. she was here, talking to yachi. 

_“maybe you’ll think about it-”_

“i’ll be the new manager.” she blurted out. then she slapped her hand over her mouth, cherished the sight of kiyoko's laugh, then she shook her head. 

“not in a way that- that like i’m gonna _replace_ you, because obviously-” she squeaked, “that was not my intention- i just said i’d think about training for it? is that right?” kiyoko, embarrassingly for yachi, did not stop her rambling until she had come to a stop, then proposed yachi take a breath before she spoke again. 

_“it’s alright, hitoka. i understand. you’ll be a great manager, and don’t worry, i’ll tell you all you need to know…”_ kiyoko paused and yachi waited expectantly, “ _you’re very likeable, hitoka-san, you’ll get along great with the team.”_ she had said. possibly the words spoken from kiyoko that yachi held dearest to her heart.

yachi continued to think about the words she had said, far after she had left the gym. it left a warm feeling in her chest. _likeable._ kiyoko thought she was likeable. and now yachi could not wipe this stupid grin off her face. 

she then came to the conclusion that kiyoko was nice. she was just… nice and good and nice and good all over again. 

and she thought, if putting all of this effort for a volleyball team would get her closer to kiyoko, yachi was going to get serious. 

when yachi got serious… she really put in an immeasurable amount of effort to perfect what she was doing. this manager thing was no exception. a couple of weeks later, kiyoko had confided in her about funding issues and yachi came up with the idea of a flyer. yachi was so stunned and shocked by the way hinata had jumped, so in order to really perfect her flyer, she would have to get a shot of that beautiful jump. 

luckily for her, hinata approached her first, asking about homework help accompanied by his navy haired friend, kageyama. he was scary as hell, yachi thought hinata brought him along just so yachi couldn’t say no. 

not so unexpectedly, hinata was very friendly, and extremely determined. yachi found his brightness a bit blinding, but one that she could count on to lead her through the dark. it wasn’t long before yachi could truly call hinata her friend. 

she spoke to him about the flyer, and he jumped up excitedly, cheering as they both skipped toward the gym. unexpectedly, (expectedly) kageyama was already practicing in the gym. the moment they had walked in, his eyes shot over to them, flickering first to hinata, then at yachi, then back to hinata. he let the ball fall to the ground. 

_“oi, what are you doing here?”_

hinata raised his eyebrows and tilted his head defensively. _“what about you, kageyama- wait, actually, this is perfect,”_ he exclaimed and wore a knowing look on his face as he turned toward yachi. she acted as if she knew exactly what she meant, even though she didn’t have a single clue. sometimes she felt the orange haired boy lived in his own mind half the time. 

_“kageyama!”_ he had said. _“set for me.”_

and the moment the words left his lips, the air had changed in the room. all of a sudden, yachi felt out of place. 

the words channeled a different kind of seriousness and understanding between the two. if anything else in the world were out of place, the moment hinata asked- no, demanded kageyama set for him, they would come together as two perfect puzzle pieces. 

their eyes had locked on to one another, and kageyama’s glare had hardened, but a smile tugged on his lips. determination rolled off hinata’s shoulders in flames and they were at the net in the matter of milliseconds. 

kageyama had thrown the ball up, letting it hit his fingers, yet in the moments before it left his hands, his eyes flashed towards hinata. their eyes met and there was this string of words that they both thought yet they remained unspoken : _you got this._

hinata placed all trust into kageyama, and as he propelled himself off the ground, he flew. the ball left kageyama’s fingers with precision and accuracy, aiming directly to the palm of hinata’s hand. the ball led itself to hinata’s hand, and as it collided, his hand slammed against the ball perfectly. yachi only heard a loud smack, but then everything around her was tuned out, her focus was centered around the perfect picture of hinata in the air. the glow that surrounded his figure was a beam of blinding light, and a small gasp left her lips. her finger pressed the click of the camera at the perfect moment. 

her eyes glanced toward kageyama, who looked up at hinata with stars in his eyes. his lips quirked into a gentle smirk, and his eyebrows narrowed into a glare. the familiar glare yachi always caught hinata on the receiving end on. the glare meant for hinata. the glare that said: _you’re strong._

yachi realized then, that she had found a pair of soulmates. 

the way the two worked together could be comparable to how the sun sits itself on the sky. no matter how much the sky might cover the sun, the sun shines a bright beam of light, making itself known and brightening the world. if it’s cloudy, the sun will find a way to shine. if it is too bright it’s blinding, the sky will do the job of creating the necessary shadows. you think of the beautiful creations that come between the combination of the sun and the sky. you think of the warm gorgeousness of sunsets, and the fresh brilliance that the sunrise holds.

you find beauty.

yachi found the beauty and admired it in awe, yet after a few moments, envy settled into her heart.

why was she the one alone?

_“kageyama did you see that? did you?”_

where was the half that could read her mind from across the gym? 

_“you can fly higher.”_

when would the time come that someone would say words like that to her?

she wanted someone so bad it hurt. 

“alright, bye now, hinata and kageyama!” she waved to the two who were still at the gym, they had promised her they would stop practicing and only stay to clean up. she known by then that they were big fat liars. but oh how she could not stop herself from letting them, they truly wanted to improve not only themselves, but the other as well. however, she had warned them that she would tell on them to daichi if they didn’t clean up soon. she sighed. she was also a big fat liar. 

as she swung her backpack over her shoulder, she heard a few familiar voices. after a bit of straining, she made out yamaguchi’s voice. 

she had gotten close to the team for the amount of time she spent next to kiyoko, watching the boys play all different sorts of practice matches and personal practices. she’d gotten the most close to the first years, you could even say they’d formed their own small little group. yachi, hinata, kageyama, yamaguchi and tsukishima. kind of. they would go out as a group to study sometimes. it was nice. 

she thought for a second before she headed toward their direction, maybe yamaguchi could accompany her to the bus stop. 

_“i need to practice more, you can go home first, tsukki.”_

yachi had frozen in her steps. tsukishima was there with him, at this hour? she frowned, deciding whether or not to go the opposite direction. _screw it, this way’s closer to the bus stop anyway._

she would just tune out their conversation. 

_“yamaguchi, have you been hanging out with the dumbass duo lately? they might be starting to rub off on you.”_ tsukishima said. yachi winced and pressed her lips together. it was impossible to ignore their conversation.

she walked faster, yet this just made the voices become clearer. 

_“maybe trying to practice harder’s not as idiodic as you think, tsukki.”_ yachi knew yamaguchi well enough to know the edge in his voice. _“i just want to improve.”_ he hesitated. he paused for a few moments, tsukishima probably wore a judgemental look on his face, yachi had guessed. _“look, you just wouldn’t understand.”_ yachi was near enough to see yamaguchi and tsukishima seated on the school bench, they sat on opposite sides and strangely, tsukishima still had his headphones on. 

she couldn’t help herself from going closer. 

_“you’ll have the chance tomorrow, you improve yourself enough at practice-”_

_“that’s just what you think!”_ yamaguchi cut him off and yachi’s eyes widened, her heart thumped in her chest. was she going to have to stop a fight? no... between tsukishima and yamaguchi?

 _“it’s not just ‘what i think’, it’s what i know. i don’t understand why people put so_ **_much_ ** _into these practices, just for a volleyball club, it’s pointless-”_

_“how could you say that?”_

even from where yachi stood, she could make out the shock in tsukishima’s expression. 

_“tsukishima.”_ yamaguchi referred to him without his nickname and yachi’s eyes widened. she bit down on her cheek and muted her reaction. “ _you never want to do personal practices, you never want to better your blocks, which, i- i really wish you would, but maybe you are too prideful for your own good! that mindset does not apply to all of us. and you know what else is different? you do not sit on a bench during games just to be called in for a minute, flunk your serve and get seated back out feeling absolutely useless. so- so maybe_ **_you_ ** _just don’t understand that_ **_i_ ** _want to be better.”_

yachi held her breath. and it looked as if tsukishima was as well. yamaguchi stood up, his fists clenched and his jaw was tense. he looked angrier than she had ever seen him. 

a few moments passed before she heard yamaguchi’s footsteps lead himself away from the bench. 

then, tsukishima spoke. 

_“god, it’s been awhile since you’ve snapped at me like that.”_ tsukishima said as he took off his headphones. “ _forgot you could be so cool.”_ he clicked his tongue and yamaguchi whirled around, his eyes wide in surprise and tsukishima held his stare. 

_“tsukki-”_

_“yamaguchi, truth is, sometimes i feel that you try so hard i can’t keep up. you sit on the bench for such long amounts of time yet you stubbornly refuse to stop trying. and... if you think that makes you useless, then i guess you really are just plain stupid.”_ tsukishima said and yachi was really unsure if that was a compliment or not. but yamaguchi’s eyes were gleaming. 

tsukishima continued, _“it’s... refreshing to see your determination. it makes -_ **_you_ ** _make me want to try harder.”_ yachi slapped her palm over her mouth, the sound louder than she intended, but the two boys didn’t even glance over. 

yachi saw yamaguchi’s expression perfectly. his eyes were so wide and his cheeks flushed a pink color, he was in this soft state of shock that slowly cracked his expression into one of elation. 

yamaguchi _beamed_ at tsukishima.

it was quiet for a few seconds before yamaguchi stuttered out a meek, _“t-tsukki.”_

 _“maybe i am too prideful. those words were hard to spit out.”_ tsukishima said dryly, but it was like yamaguchi could not hear him. his eyes reflected only tsukishima and the moon. it was also not to be missed that the corners of tsukishima’s lips quirked up into a small grin.

yachi sighed. _this feeling again._ it was horrible she could call the feeling of envy that settled into her chest a familiar feeling. the way tsukishima’s words of vague motivation had so much power over yamaguchi made her see their relationship so much clearer. tsukishima held so much power with every action and word he spoke, but yamaguchi held just as much over tsukishima. they valued the other’s opinion of themselves so highly in their heart, even if one would rather die than admit it. 

their relationship was so special. 

she knew the boys well enough to know that yamaguchi and tsukishima were attached by the hip. the two, kind of unlikely, best friends were just about inseparable. at first glance, you would only see yamaguchi cling to him like some stray pup, but as you gradually start to look closer, you would see how tsukishima gravitates toward him. how in any situation, the first person he’d look for in a group was yamaguchi. 

she recognized a pair of soulmates when she saw them. 

yachi felt as though she had heard and seen enough from the both of them, the feeling of jealousy stabbed relentlessly at her heart, creating a sickly, sinking feeling in her gut. she hated herself for envying the purest moments tsukishima and yamaguchi had with one another. she should be feeling happy, delighted for them, yet all she felt was envy and desire. desire for her own _someone._

 _“we can practice later. not now.”_ she had overheard tsukishima say. she raised an eyebrow. 

_“but tsukki-”_

_“it’s too late to start practicing now. we can’t tire ourselves out.”_ he had said a bit harshly, yet yachi saw through it immediately, it was tsukishima’s way of saying, _``i worry for you’._ yamaguchi understood just as easily and whispered a faint, _thank you, tsukki._

 _“tomorrow?”_ yamaguchi tried, a bit quietly.

tsukishima sighed, but nodded, _“tomorrow.”_

then they walked off together, heading home side by side. 

_‘tomorrow’,_ an unspoken promise of forever. 

yachi frowned despite herself. 

it was as if everywhere she looked she could find a pair of soulmates. yet she was still alone. 

_i want something like that._ she thought. 

“kiyoko!” yachi yelped, eager to get the older girl’s attention. kiyoko heard her immediately, she turned to look for her in the crowd and yachi’s breath caught in her throat. 

was she a secret movie star or something? 

yachi’s eyes were drawn to the way kiyoko’s hair lifted briefly from her shoulders, as if a gust of wind had blown through it. her hair looked a shiny navy blue, she knew the color would never change just as so much she kept staring, yet she still could not help herself from admiring it. it was like in those shampoo commercials where the girl with long hair turns around and everything is in slow motion. kiyoko looked exactly that. yet it was so effortless and unintended that yachi felt stupid just for being caught in admiration by such miniscule things. 

she had gone crazy. that was the most plausible conclusion. 

_“hitoka?”_ the honey sweet sound of kiyoko’s voice made yachi internally slap herself. she needed to stop getting so distracted. 

“ah! yes, kiyoko-san!” yachi quickly greeted her, “i-i finished the flyer!” she lifted up her hand to reveal the flyer she had made. she’d used the picture she had taken of hinata on the flyer, and to be honest, she thought it was beautiful, captivating, even. she waited patiently to gauge kiyoko’s reactions. there was this small part of her brain that craved validation from kiyoko, hoping and praying her reaction was a good one, and maybe even a little added praise. 

_“..wow, hitoka-san!”_ kiyoko’s usually quite monotone voice was now an airy gasp of excitement. she looked over at yachi, her navy eyes wide and sparkling. yachi felt her heart squeeze in her chest, and she pressed her lips together to keep herself from smiling too wide. 

_“you took this picture?”_ she asked and yachi nodded sheepishly. kiyoko let out a small breath of contentment as she turned and smiled at yachi. a smile that satisfied every one of yachi's qualms about her poster, or even the small doubts she had about kiyoko’s reaction. 

_“this is amazing. hitoka, i just_ _know_ _you’re a wonderful addition to our team.”_ she told yachi and yachi felt the immediate warmth spread over her cheeks. 

it was this feeling of _giddiness_ that crept into her heart. she felt herself break out into a wide, genuine grin, she felt breathless. breathless with relief that she’d done well, breathless with bliss and breathless with the image of kiyoko’s smile that roamed through her mind. 

“thank you.” yachi said, and kiyoko nodded, a less enthusiastic smile on her face, but a smile nonetheless. 

_“i’ll go make copies of these, hitoka-san. and, again, thank you for all of your help.”_ kiyoko placed a soft hand on her head, yachi sucked in a breath, she felt tingly all over. kiyoko patted her head once before she waved and walked away. 

yachi felt frozen in place. 

the moment was so quick yachi was not even sure if it had happened. yet the delicate touch of kiyoko’s fingers grazing across her hair felt too vivid to be a dream. the way she felt kiyoko’s fingers slightly ruffle her hair made warmth travel up and spread a pink blush over her cheeks. 

she felt confused. confused at why she reacted so nervously, why a scarce graze of the fingers made her heart beat the way it did, why the contact felt like faint electricity and why goosebumps had risen up her arm in a trail. it was an unwarranted reaction, a reaction yachi wish she didn’t have. 

she only gulped, shaking her head slightly and turned to walk away. away from the third year hallway. _stop thinking about kiyoko._

_“hinata, do you ever shut up?”_ yachi rolled her eyes at tsukishima’s comment, yet she could empathize with his impatience. 

they were currently gathered around yamaguchi and tsukishima’s mats. they were at a hotel preparing for the game they were going to have the next day. but it was about eight o’clock and the five of them were just sitting down and playing a friendly game of UNO- is what she would like to say. 

their games were never just a ‘friendly’ game, to yachi and yamaguchi’s useless protests. not surprisingly, hinata and kageyama made everything a competition. they would even hold a scoreboard to see who had more wins, just to tally up that number and add it to their mega scoreboard of all board games. they were absolutely insufferable. yet, yachi would have thought that at least tsukishima would be on her side on this, however, the bastard was just as competitive as the two. 

_“tsukishima you rude ass! i’m winning this game so you just wait!”_ hinata crossed his arms and glared at him before placing down a ‘plus two’ uno card. tsukishima scoffed, and feigned surprise as he placed down his own ‘plus two’ uno card. hinata’s jaw dropped and he huffed in annoyance. 

yamaguchi, cheekily as ever, had placed down _his own_ ‘plus two’ card and the group started to laugh as it came around to yachi. yachi pouted and crossed her arms, but her eyes held a different twinkle as she struggled to hold back her own laughter. 

she placed down _her_ own ‘plus two card’. as the group’s eyes widened and they stared at the next player, hinata fell backwards with laughter and tsukishima snickered. 

kageyama slammed his fist down against the mat and his eyes stared daggers. yachi giggled and yamaguchi let out small fits of laughter. 

_“ah, how the turn tables.”_ hinata said and kageyama threw a pillow at him. hinata whined loudly and kageyama rolled his eyes. 

_“you colossal dumbass.”_ kageyama grumbled, taking his share of cards from the stack in the middle. _“that’s not even the saying.”_

 _“like you would know the actual phrase.”_ tsukishima spat, a chuckle rolling off his tongue as yamaguchi laughed with him. _“god, anyone watch ‘the office’ out here?”_ hinata mumbled and pouted as yachi giggled. 

_“anyway, you’re the dumbass taking eight cards.”_ hinata laughed at him and kageyama flashed him a glare, and hinata took out their mega scoreboard and added a tally mark on his end.

sure, they were competitive, but it was fun, because they were together. yet yachi could not ignore the feeling that nagged at the back of her mind when she saw yamaguchi and tsukishima whisper together, and kageyama and hinata get into small pillow fights. and she is left alone. 

_“ah, hitoka-san?”_ then, she heard the voice. _kiyoko._

her head whipped around, the boys following suit as she saw kiyoko leaned over on the doorway. her eyes lock on to yachi’s and yachi feels a rush of excitement flood her veins. 

_“y-yes?”_ she cursed her voice for wavering. 

_“i’m heading to the baths, and first years, it’s your turn.”_ her eyes flicker toward the boys for a millisecond before returning back to yachi with a small nod of her head. 

yachi quickly dipped her head and rushed to her feet. _“i’ll-uhm- be right there!”_ she said, and almost stumbled as she rushed out the door. 

she had felt the boy’s calculating stares at the back of her head but she ignored them. she wanted to be with kiyoko. 

the moment she entered the baths, kiyoko was already sitting, the water going up to her shoulders and revealing her bare neck and collarbones. 

yachi felt the heat rush to her cheeks as she thought about it for a few seconds too long. kiyoko was _naked._ in front of her. for some reason, she wanted to close her eyes. she felt like she was not supposed to see her without clothes. which was crazy, because they were both women, and that was supposed to be like, normal...right?

_ah, whatever!_

kiyoko’s eyes twinkled as they fell upon yachi. she dipped her head, using this as an excuse to cover her heated cheeks. 

_“hitoka-san.”_ she greeted as yachi stepped into the water tentatively. she sat not too close but not too far from kiyoko and kept her gaze locked straight in front of her. 

“kiyoko-san.” she whispered back. 

she felt weird. extremely extremely weird. as if every move of kiyoko’s arms or legs made yachi tense up, her jaw locked and her eyes refused to leave the wall right in front of her. 

_small talk. just make small talk._ “so, the game… tomorrow.”

 _what in the hell was that._ yachi resisted the urge to face palm but kiyoko only nodded. 

_“yes, the game.”_ she didn’t even hesitate, “ _i’m confident they will do well. they have been practicing really hard,”_ yachi agreed with a nod as she thought about all the times kageyama and hinata stayed late to practice. kiyoko noticed and smiled, _“i know all of their hard work will pay off in the end.”_ yachi let her eyes lead themselves to kiyoko and she caught sight of the way her eyes shimmered, lighting up with the silent but vigorous passion she had for the team. 

a few moments passed before kiyoko spoke up again. 

_“i don’t think i mention enough how incredibly helpful and amazing you are. hitoka, you are so kind to help out the boys do their extra practice, we are all so appreciative of you. me especially.”_ she let out a soft chuckle and yachi’s mind ran in circles comprehending the words being spoken to her. compliments from kiyoko gave her this distinct euphoria that took hold of all rational thoughts she had and molded them into thoughts of kiyoko. of kiyoko’s smile. of kiyoko’s praise. of kiyoko’s glittery eyes. the way kiyoko was normally quiet and reserved but said all of these kind words to yachi. yeah. those thoughts ran through her mind all the time. 

yachi felt her lips stretch into a smile and there was this warm, blooming feeling in her chest that made her slightly dizzy. 

“thank you. that means a lot- from you.” she said, and kiyoko only nodded, the smile remained on her face as she turned away and yachi let out a small breath she had been holding. 

a few minutes passed and yachi made sure not to look toward kiyoko if she was not talking to her and have her eyes fixed on the wall in front of her. she would wash her body like that, looking nowhere else. 

kiyoko lifted her leg to wash and yachi felt her eyes stray from the beautiful white wall in front of her. she internally cursed herself. 

“ah- your legs.” the words left her mouth before she finished thinking them over. she flushed red when kiyoko turned her head. _why would you say that you absolute idiot?_ yachi scolded herself for pointing out someone else’s scars. she felt embarrassed, and guilty, hopefully kiyoko wouldn’t feel too-

kiyoko smiled. yachi’s jaw fell slack. 

_“my legs?”_ kiyoko caught her eyes again, and there was the small twinkle in her eye that yachi loved. she raised her eyebrow, a bit curious, yet not wanting to overstep her boundaries. kiyoko seemed comfortable enough to tell the story, so yachi only sat and listened. 

_“i used to be a track and field member,”_ she said, and yachi let herself hum in surprise, _“i would always be jumping over these hurdles and they weren’t very easy,”_ she reminisced, _“i’d always get these injuries and bruises and scars and some of them just haven’t faded yet.”_ her lips started to become downturned and yachi felt her eyebrows draw together. she hated seeing kiyoko frown. _“they’re all over my legs, so i usually wear tights to cover them.”_

“i think they’re like badges of honor.” yachi blurted out, once again too quickly for her mind to finish rethinking her words. yet kiyoko turned toward her with surprise laced into her expression. yachi immediately was sheepish. _that comparison was super weird,_ she scolded herself. “i’m sorry, that was weird.” 

kiyoko’s eyes widened before she laughed. a real, unguarded laugh. and yachi drank in the sound like water to a parched throat. her eyes were wide as she took in the scene. _wow._ kiyoko’s twinkling eyes were sparkling crescent moons, her plush lips were stretched wide and her cheeks flushed a soft pink. 

this was beauty.

this was the beauty people wrote about in love songs. 

this was the beauty artists wanted to capture in their masterpieces. 

yachi felt a surge of pride that rose from deep in her chest. she was the one who made kiyoko laugh. 

_“no one’s ever said that before, i love that. thank you, hitoka.”_ kiyoko smiled at her, and yachi felt her heart skip a beat. _“i’ll just have to wear my battle scars with honor, right?”_ she chuckled and yachi let herself laugh along. 

“yes, that’s correct, kiyoko-san, they’re _your_ badges of honor.” yachi said, and kiyoko sighed with content, throwing her head back in relaxation. 

_“it’s just great having someone else to talk to in moments like these.”_ she said, and yachi nodded, a small smile creeping back into her expression. _“i love talking with you, hitoka”._ kiyoko’s expression was somehow… shy. yachi felt everything blur, she blinked once, twice. made sure kiyoko was still staring at her like she was seconds ago, when she had said what she had said.

“i like talking to you too.” yachi barely whispered.

kiyoko smiled her blinding smile, “ _it feels so nice to laugh like this with someone else, hitoka.”_

yachi melted. 

every word seemed to stick itself onto yachi’s heart, creating a home for butterflies within her stomach. 

“me too, kiyoko-san.”

her heart was close to beating out of her chest. she gulped, her cheeks aching from how wide her smile was. “i like-- laughing with you too, kiyoko-san.”

and each and every word held nothing other than the raw truth. 

the raw truth that held something a little deeper inside of it. 

  
  


_“hey hitoka?”_ yachi’s heart jumped as she realized the honey sweet voice of shimizu kiyoko. she let herself smile. just before she sprinted off to meet her, she told kageyama and hinata, who she was watching practice, that she was being called for. and set her clipboard down on the ground. they only nodded at her and she knew they didn’t hear a word she said. she only sighed and ran to meet kiyoko.

“k-kiyoko!” yachi blushed as she stumbled on her words. 

kiyoko turned around and smiled at her as a greeting. _“hello, yachi. there’s- there’s a watermelon down in the river right now- ah, yes i know that’s probably weird,”_ she laughed after seeing yachi’s expression, _“but coach ukai said that this was the best way to eat a watermelon so,”_ she shrugged her shoulders and placed a hand on yachi’s shoulder. 

yachi’s breath hitched and she concentrated as hard as she could to focus on the words kiyoko was saying- though it was quite difficult when her face was so close. 

kiyoko pointed toward the river down below the hill and yachi nodded. “ah, okay, i see! i’ll be right back, kiyoko-san.” yachi dipped her head slightly and felt kiyoko’s stare on her back as she ran off toward the river. 

she couldn’t deny she felt a bit distracted as she went toward the river. she was fairly certain it was not normal for people to just put their watermelons in the river- but hell, what did she know?

the grass was a bright green color, with bits and pieces of yellowness sprinkled throughout, but a beautiful deep green nonetheless. there were some dandelions that peaked their heads through the soft grass, their gentleness and quiet sparkle taunting her to come pick them. 

she gave in to desire and picked the dandelion. 

she stared at it for a second and held it in her hand. the dandelion was puffy and fragile, it seemed with just a gust of wind she would be left with the green stem and her chance to wish for something would be caught in the wind, giving its powers to someone else.

the stem was smooth and slightly damp on her fingers, she twirled it around and with a sigh she held it up to her lips. without it being too close that she felt the dust would catch on her lips, but not too far as her breath would not blow it all away. 

she shut her eyes. 

_i wanna be yours_

she blew. 

the ‘petals’ of the dandelions escaped the stem with just one breath, they escaped into the wind where they blew freely, the escaped into the sky, hopefully on their way to make yachi’s wish come true. 

but yachi didn’t know _who_ the wish was directed at. 

yachi blinked. once. twice. 

maybe if yachi had thought for just a few seconds longer, dug a bit deeper, she would have figured it out. but she gave up with a huff and glanced back toward the stream. 

_oh well._

the stream was beautiful. it was a gentle rush of water going downstream and over the grey rocks that knocked against one another. the sound of the soft stream lazing its way down the river made yachi smile. it was such a pretty sight. 

she had already taken off her shoes and felt the grass under her feet. she even let herself hop around a little, and felt the brush of grass rub against her skin. it was nice. 

carefully, yachi had positioned herself over the small dip in the ground that led to the rocks that were washed over by the river. she stepped hesitantly with one foot to find her balance before she pushed off the ground and planted both feet on the rock.

it was a giddy feeling that found its way to yachi’s chest as she felt the water wash over her feet, it was a nice, cool feeling in contrast to the sweltering heat of the sun. she felt refreshed. 

_find the watermelon- you oaf._ yachi’s consciousness reminded her and she immediately perked up, looking around for the watermelon. you would think that a brightly colored green watermelon would stand out in the clear, blue tinted water, but it didn’t. 

yachi puffed her cheeks, and raised an eyebrow. instead of looking further, she decided to play in the stream. hell, the boys could wait for their watermelon, yachi would enjoy the cool water on her hands and feet, and smile at the frogs that jumped in front of her as they croaked their greetings. 

_i wanna be yours_

her wish from before had clawed its way into the depths of yachi’s mind, causing her to overthink and ponder much longer than she needed to. it was a stupid wish on a pretty dandelion. nothing more, nothing less. _i wanna be yours._

_“hitoka?”_

yachi whipped her head around, startling herself when she saw the person who called her name. 

kiyoko. 

there she was. standing on the grass with her hair blowing behind her and her face glowing in the light of the sun. her eyes, if possible, seemed to be even more dazzling in this light, and maybe it was because of the sound of the stream, or the wind against her neck, but yachi felt serenity for a split second. 

then kiyoko smiled and yachi felt her feet slide against the rock, a momentary weakness that caused her to draw her focus elsewhere .her heart caught in her throat as she felt herself lose balance. the rock that was seemingly stable just moments before decided to betray her by wobbling uncontrollably. the stream and kiyoko’s face was a blur as her hands launched forward, she tried to regain her balance, but only air passed through her fingers. 

_shit._

then, she felt warmth. she felt a hand clasp onto her own, the hand gripped onto hers with wild strength that stabilized her and prevented her from falling face forward into a mountain of wet rocks. 

yachi looked up and caught sight of kiyoko’s angel eyes, glazed over with worry and concern, but glittering in the sunlight. yachi then actually _felt_ kiyoko’s fingers wrapped around hers and felt her cheeks light up with warmths and her heart thump against her chest. 

kiyoko’s hands were smooth. they were smooth and dainty and pretty and what you would compare to the skin of a dolphin. they were warm and they were gentle. they were gentle, but they were also strong, dependable and secure. yachi felt so small with kiyoko’s hands around hers. her hands were a beautiful, but sturdy shell that wrapped around yachi like a shield. 

she loved kiyoko’s hands. yet she hated the way she loved kiyoko’s hands. 

kiyoko let go of her hands once yachi had found her footing again. 

yachi finally found her voice when she looked down and saw kiyoko’s shoes were soaked in the stream. she felt a wave of guilt wash over her. 

“your shoes…” yachi frowned. kiyoko sighed and yachi looked up to meet her eyes. they were soft, gentle. 

_“you scared me, hitoka. you’ve got to be more careful.”_ she said, and yachi frowned even deeper, but relief sat safely on her shoulders and allowed her to be calm. _“and don’t worry about my shoes,”_ kiyoko smiled and yachi brightened. she stepped out of the river and yachi only raised her eyebrows. kiyoko took off her shoes and socks and stepped back into the water. yachi _beamed._

ah, if she thought kiyoko couldn’t get any prettier moments ago, she was definitely wrong. 

kiyoko jumping from rock to rock, her hands entangling themselves into her hair, and the sunlight making a pretty glare that shined on her hair. and her smile. her smile that was small, but one that reached her eyes and made them dance. there was truly, truly not a prettier sight. 

remember when yachi compared her to forest nymphs. yes, _this_ is the exact image she had in her mind. the beauty blinded her, yet she could not turn away. 

_“did you find the watermelon, hitoka-chan?”_ yachi’s face flushed pink and she shook her head. 

“i couldn’t find it, kiyoko-san.” she pouted slightly and kiyoko giggled. _giggled_. yachi’s eyes widened as she saw kiyoko’s finger point to under the shade of a rock where the watermelon sat. yachi laughed, then bent down to pick it up. 

it was wet and begged to be let go as it slid all over her hands. her feet wobbled again, threatening to slide her off the rock, but luckily, kiyoko’s hands reached out to her, and yachi placed the watermelon safely on her hands. 

kiyoko stepped off her rock and onto the grass where she set down the watermelon, then turned to extend her hand to yachi. 

yachi looked up at her, butterflies and roses bloomed in her stomach as she smiled, and took her hand with a slight nervousness that was immediately settled by the feeling of kiyoko’s hand on hers. 

yachi was helped up to ground with the help of kiyoko, and a feeling of disappointment settled into her heart when kiyoko let her go and bent to pick up the watermelon. 

“ah- i got it.” they reached for it at the same time and yachi blushed at the feeling of kiyoko’s fingers. 

kiyoko pulled away with a chuckle and yachi picked up the watermelon with a grin. 

“off to meet the boys!” 

_“they’ll be excited.”_ kiyoko bent to pick up her shoes, and yachi’s shoes in her other hand. 

this happy feeling in her chest was relentless. she smiled the whole way back. 

  
  
  
  


_“yachi-san..”_ hinata balanced his chin on his palm as he stared up to look at yachi. she raised an eyebrow to indicate she was listening, but she continued to work on her math worksheet. hinata was always saying stupid things, and she’d just gotten used to listening to it, and sometimes tuning it out. 

_“did you finish your worksheet already?”_ yamaguchi asked, he chuckled slightly, as if he had already known the answer. 

yamaguchi, hinata and yachi were all sitting at a cafe table, they worked quietly on their assignments, and it was a comfortable atmosphere. the silence was a bit hard to get used to since if kageyama and tsukishima were there this table would be a rodeo. 

however, the two were called in by daichi not too long ago to go see him in the gym. hinata had teased them about it, but they were all seriously curious in the back of their minds. she could tell hinata was a ball of nerves, he would glance back as if he anticipated kageyama sneaking up on him, or something. 

_“yachi do you like kiyoko?”_

yachi dropped her pen. it clanged loudly on the wooden table, and her eyes shot up to meet hinata’s. 

“w-what did you say?” she felt breathless for some reason. why was she breathless? it was just a question. the answer should be automatic. but it wasn’t. why was she thinking about it?

 _“hey—hinata."_ yamaguchi glanced at him sharply before turning his gaze into worry as he looked at yachi. 

hinata pressed his lips together as if he regretted saying it out loud and yamaguchi sighed, disappointed.

 _“you can’t just say things like that.”_ he said, and hinata did not have anything to say in return, his gaze a determined stare locked on yachi’s eyes. 

a few moments passed, yachi felt herself stumbling for words. _do you like kiyoko?_

does she like kiyoko? 

what did that mean? how would she know? because she didn’t know. her heart was a tangle of cobwebs and corn mazes that were useless in helping her uncover her feelings. 

was it supposed to be instant? like a lightbulb moment, when you liked someone, were you supposed to know the moment they spoke to you? were you supposed to know the moment you felt warmth rush to your cheeks? 

or was it when you can’t get them out of your mind. what did that mean? 

what did it even feel like to like someone? 

yachi did not know the first thing. she had no clue. 

“i- i don’t know. what does it feel like to like someone?” she whispered. her hands shook and her knees hit the table in the middle of their twitching, and yamaguchi glanced over at her concerningly. 

_“i think liking someone is different for everyone. but i think the moment you figure it out, you’ll know immediately. so, it’s okay to not know right now, yachi.”_ he said, and yachi tore her gaze away from hinata’s blazing eyes, and let yamaguchi’s comforting ones keep her steady. 

“really?” 

_“yeah! i mean, of course. you probably don’t know how to- label your feelings and- and that’s_ **_fine._ ** _you don’t need to know the answer to everything.”_ yamaguchi told her, his voice was warm, and although he was obviously a bit awkward, his words were spoken in a way that yachi believed them. 

yamaguchi shot a glare toward hinata and he perked up, snapping out of whatever reverie he was in. 

_“definitely, yachi-san. i mean, feelings are complicated! i just asked because you look really… happy? around her. you get really excited and everything, and your eyes go wide and your face just like, bling! goes bright and all. you know?”_ he laughed slightly when yachi made a move to cover her face. _“it was just a question. sorry if that made you overthink or something- but really, don’t sweat it.”_ hinata smiled his bright, blinding smile, and yachi felt compelled to smile along. she loved her friends. she loved them with her whole heart. 

“thanks, guys.” she spoke quietly but truthfully. 

_“but you can tell us anything, yachi!”_ hinata said a bit too loudly, and caused some heads to turn, but yamaguchi waved them away and turned back to yachi. 

_“we’ll give you our best advice!”_ he reassured her, and yachi was immensely grateful. 

“and... if i do like her, would that,” she hesitated, she knew deep down what the answer would be, but she felt like there was this small percent they would react badly. it was probably irrational. “would that make you guys, i don’t know, not okay with it?” 

yamaguchi and hinata immediately furrowed their eyebrows and tilted their heads in confusion.

 _“not okay with what?”_ yamaguchi asked, genuinely confused and hinata looked like yachi was speaking english or something. 

she felt herself smile slightly and shook her head. “nothing, guys. nothing.” 

_“whatever you say.”_ hinata shrugged, but his lips were quirked up and so were yamaguchi’s. _“anyone get the answer to 7?”_

 _“hinata, you’re still on 7?”_ yamaguchi flopped his head down on the desk and groaned as hinata crossed his arms. _“i got distracted!”_

“of course.” yachi laughed and turned her worksheet around so she could explain the problem to hinata. 

_“i don’t get it.”_ he deadpanned. yamaguchi lifted his head to look at him with exasperation. _“yachi explained it so well, what do you mean?!”_

“alright, i’ll say it again.” she sighed, and yamaguchi pat her back. _“you’ve got the patience of a preschool teacher.”_

 _“thank you yachi! i love you.”_ hinata grinned brightly at her and she couldn’t resist smiling back.

“yeah, yeah, i love you guys too.” 

she thought about it that night for approximately fourteen hours. ignoring about ninety percent of what she felt and compressing that into a simple explanation : she just had a tiny crush on her. that was all. a crush. those go away in like a few months, right? 

sure, she thought kiyoko was the prettiest girl in the world with hands that were softer than flower petals and a smile comparable to beaming sunlight- those were feelings of a mere _crush._

sure, yachi has never actually _experienced_ having a crush on someone, but she’s pretty confident what she feels for kiyoko is nothing more than that. 

yeah. nothing to worry about, she told herself, it’s just a crush. 

_just a crush._

“ _didja figure it out, yachi-san?_ ” hinata asked her out of the blue one day after practice. she had been busy putting the balls away in the basket, and stopped midway to turn and send hinata a glance. 

“figure out what?” 

_“about you liking ki-”_ yachi dropped the volleyball she was holding and smacked a hand over hinata’s mouth. her eyes darted from side to side, kiyoko was on the other side of the gym, talking to sugawara-san. good, she wouldn't be able to hear them. 

hinata waited impatiently for her to finally meet his eyes again, she awkwardly dropped her hand and offered an apologetic smile. “uh... well… it’s just a tiny crush. it’s gonna go away soon.” she said, and she almost felt that the more she repeated it, the more she came to believe it herself. 

it was nothing more than a crush. 

the way her eyes stray to find kiyoko’s every time she would walk in the gym was exactly how people with crushes felt. 

the way yachi still felt the gentle touch of kiyoko’s fingertips trace against her skin was what having a crush was like. 

the way yachi could not think of anything but the shimmer in kiyoko’s eyes when she spoke about the team, and karasuno itself was exactly what crushes were like. 

_“you really think that?”_ hinata asked her, his voice held a twinge of doubt and yachi rolled her eyes dismissively. 

“yeah, ‘course. what else would it be?” she laughed slightly, but it wasn’t genuine, and somewhere hidden in the depths of her voice was a slight seriousness that was almost like she wanted to know the answer herself. 

_“well- that’s cool, yachi-san! kiyoko-san is super pretty,”_ he said, and yachi had to physically stop herself from going on a tangent on kiyoko’s beauty and instead nodded in agreement. 

hinata opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a volleyball smacking him directly in the back of his head. his eyelids dropped into a murderous gaze as, even before he turned around, he shouted kageyama’s name in fury. 

yachi finally bent down to retrieve the volleyball she had before dropped in surprise, but instead she was met with the feeling of skin, a familiar feeling, goosebumps trailed up her arm as she looked up. 

navy blue. 

“k-kiyoko-san,”

kiyoko smiled and held the volleyball in her hands, she placed it into the basket herself and tucked her clipboard under her arm. 

_“hitoka-chan, how are you?”_ she greeted her, yet yachi could only mumble and stumble upon her words as her heart did flips in her chest. kiyoko’s eyes were two separate milky ways, a dark blue, swirled with specks of light and sparkles. it was terrifying how lost one could get in kiyoko’s eyes. was this what it was like to be around your crush?

“i’m doing g-great- well! fine.” she said and pressed her lips together in embarrassment. 

_“are ya doin’ it ryu?”_ distantly, in the back corner yachi overheard nishinoya’s voice, and by the name ryu… tanaka-san? she narrowed her eyes trying to make out what they were saying, and so was kiyoko, yachi realized, as she looked over and saw kiyoko staring in their direction. 

she tore her eyes away from the boys and back to yachi, yet her expression seemed uneasy. 

yachi opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by tanaka. 

_“shimizu kiyoko!”_ his voice was loud and booming that everyone left in the gym turned to stare. even kageyama and hinata who were probably bickering about their score turned to look in his direction. daichi, sugawara and asahi who had been laughing with each other about something fell silent and glanced toward tanaka.

kiyoko’s eyes went wide, her clipboard fell from her arm, yachi quickly caught it with her hands and stepped aside. 

_“tanaka-kun?”_ the leveled tone of her voice did not match her expression that slowly faltered. 

yachi gulped in anticipation and glanced worriedly at him. 

tanaka’s face held fierce determination that masked any kind of nervousness etched in his body language, he was set out to do something, and he would do it with blazing confidence. 

_“kiyoko, i’m in love with you!”_ the clipboard yachi had taken from kiyoko fell from her hands and let out a _clang_ as it hit the floor. her heart dropped into her stomach. 

tanaka’s voice echoed off of the gym walls, he had said the words as a declaration, and everyone fell silent. they were all used to tanaka and nishinoya’s humorous ways of being kiyoko’s protector and somewhat obsessed with her, but in a hilarious, endearing way that showed their admiration for the third year manager. 

but it was nothing like this. 

kiyoko’s expression flashed to one of surprise before returning back to its normal stoicness. 

_“tanaka-san, we’re cleaning up right now, i don’t know if it’s the time for jokes-”_

_“it’s not- it’s not a joke.”_ tanaka said, his voice not quite as loud as it was before , his eyes gleamed and his tone was softer but just as aggressive as before. 

kiyoko’s lips parted in delayed shock, tanaka was definitely not joking, there was no trace of humor in his voice or tone. his hands were balled into fists and his eyes seemed to not have blinked since the moment they fell on kiyoko. 

_“tanaka-kun…”_ kiyoko’s voice wavered and it was like she was biting back something she wanted to say. yachi’s hands shook uncontrollably. 

_“the year is coming to an end soon, and, and you’re going to leave us this year.”_ he said, his eyebrows drew together, _“i just needed you to know that i’m not joking around anymore! i’m in love with you, and i really, really, want you.”_ the desperation and sincerity of his tone was not to be ignored and it seemed like his words had crept its way into kiyoko’s stone wall of guarded emotions. 

_“tanaka, i- the year isn’t over yet, you guys still have nationals, and, and-”_ her voice trembled, it trembled with pleading and it trembled with the force of too many unspoken words. 

_“i don’t care anymore. if i left this to the last day of school, i would’ve never been able to know what it would be like to see you everyday at school and say ‘that’s my girlfriend.’”_ he told her, earnestly, persistently. pleadingly. _“i told you i wanted to marry you the day i met you, and i meant it.”_

a slight hitch of a breath made yachi glance over at kiyoko.

her eyes were wide, they stared at tanaka with an unreadable expression. he seemed to falter at her stare and shrink a bit, as if he knew what she was going to say before she even opened her mouth. she exhaled shakily and steadied her hands.

 _“i’m sorry, tanaka.”_ her voice did not tremble. her eyes did not look away. but her fingers were clenched into a fist. for some reason, after hearing her words yachi let out a breath of relief. 

she felt disgusting for doing so the moment her eyes fell onto tanaka. 

whatever determination and resolve he held in his eyes had vanished, instead his eyes dimmed with chagrin at the crushing rejection. it was as if the light had been sucked out of his body, his face was pale and whatever left of his energy dissipated. 

yachi felt pity, pity laced with empathy and sorrow. he masked his dejectedness with a weak smile and bowed a ninety degree bow. the moment tanaka’s face was not visible to kiyoko, she covered her mouth with her palm to hide the sounds of dismay she let escape from her lips. 

but the moment tanaka’s eyes fell on her again, her eyes were level and her face was back to how it had been before. yet it cracked and her eyes swirled with dismay. 

tanaka turned around and nishinoya placed a hand on his back sympathetically and led him out of the gym. the moment the doors closed, the air in the gym shattered and everyone seemed to let out whatever breaths they were holding. 

yachi felt her own heart squeeze with sympathy for tanaka. but why did she feel so at ease? it made her stomach swirl with disgust, she felt horrible. she felt horrible that she was okay with kiyoko rejecting tanaka. that she was somehow _glad_ she had done so. she shivered.

why? was it because of the stupid little crush she had on kiyoko? that couldn’t be it, it was a measly crush, not something like the love tanaka had for kiyoko. the moment the thought entered her mind was the moment she froze. 

her feelings for kiyoko were definitely not love. 

love was all encompassing, it was the kind of feeling that would enter your chest as you stood on a cliff, that sort of dash of adrenaline that rushed to your heart and head that made you crazy. it was the bold, earnest cry of a warrior that was tanaka ryuunosuke, who bravely declared his love for kiyoko. he loved her with this _intensity_ that could crack glass. 

yes, _that_ was love. 

love was not the kind of puppy feeling yachi had whenever she looked at kiyoko. the feeling that felt like roses were blooming in your stomach and butterflies were flapping their wings all over your chest. the kind of feeling that was an easy flowing river, the sound of soft splashes of water hitting the rocks, the lily pads that floated peacefully over the water. her feelings for kiyoko were anything but intense, they were soft, gentle and left her with the dizzy sensation of tenderness and warmth all over her body. that was not love. 

yes, that was not love. 

kageyama and hinata had slowly returned to bickering, or maybe not bickering, because they were so close it was like their cheeks were touching and their hands brushed against each other with a sort of intimacy unique to them. 

the gym doors opened and yachi’s eyes flashed to see who it was, then saw a glimpse of kiyoko’s hair move out of the gym, and her legs moved faster than her mind could comprehend. she escaped outside silently and saw kiyoko and sugawara turn a corner. yachi stepped tentatively toward them, but leaned against the outside wall, she was able to hear them, but unable to see them. 

_you’re eavesdropping._ her consciousness chided herself and she rolled her eyes.

 _“kiyoko?”_ she heard the faint sound of sugawara’s voice, then, something else. 

whimpers; soft sobs and sniffles. they belonged to kiyoko. 

yachi’s hands clamped over her mouth. yachi had never seen kiyoko act emotional, maybe a bit of happy tears when they won a match, but nothing soul breaking like this. 

_“k-kiyoko.”_ sugawara’s voice was softer now, and further away, yachi let herself peak over and she saw them kneeling on the ground. kiyoko slumped against the wall, her hands covered her face and her glasses were seated right next to her.

sugawara knelt next to her, a hand placed on her head, his eyes worried.

yachi forced herself to turn away, her hand gripped her chest tightly, it took everything in her to not go and wrap her arms around kiyoko. 

_“what happened, kiyoko?”_ the question seemed absurd to yachi, he was there in the gym, he knew exactly what happened. rejecting a friend was always hard, that’s why she was upset.

_“why did you reject him?”_

yachi frowned, what did he mean? kiyoko didn’t have feelings for tanaka, that’s why. 

there was silence, just kiyoko’s soft sniffles and cries muffled by her palms to be heard. 

then she spoke. 

_“i didn’t expect- god- i just didn’t expect him to say it so soon.”_ she whispered, her voice cracked midway and so did yachi’s heart. she felt awful. no matter how relieved she was before, she just felt awful. 

_“yeah? none of us did, ryu really is something else,”_ sugawara said, and kiyoko seemed to let out a soft gasp as she caught her breath. _“yeah,”_ yachi could hear the smile in her voice. _“he’s so reckless and forward and - and i can never guess what stupid thing he’s going to do next.”_

yachi heard sugawara let out a small, faint breath of laughter, and so did kiyoko. a sad, barely even there kind of laugh. 

she sniffled, _“but he’s fearless. and so determined, and kind…_ _and he thinks with his heart and he’s got this- this wild bravery in him that makes him so good at doing whatever it is he wants and,”_ her voice faltered. yachi pressed her lips together, she sensed it coming, she knew what was coming, her heart knew it was coming as it beat so rapidly in her chest she could hear it in her ears. her mind knew it too as she pleaded for her not to say the words. she knew, yet nothing would ever be able to prepare her for the truth. she waited.

**_“i’m so in love with him it hurts.”_ **

and there yachi crumbled. 

her words were a thunder clap awakening to anything yachi thought could have been.

she could no longer hear her heart beating in her chest, or the erratic breaths her lips let escape, or anything else. 

she sank to her knees, her breath wasn’t able to sync and she was just inhaling and unable to exhale. when she was finally able to, her exhale was shaky and fragile, like she was going to break. 

the feeling, what was it? panic? fear? 

rejection. 

it was a normal reaction to be a bit disappointed because she had a small crush on kiyoko. but this, _this_ was nothing but small. the feeling building up in her chest was _anything_ but small. 

it was just a crush, so why had she felt like she was falling apart?

sugawara snapped her out of her thoughts. she had forgotten she was listening.

 _“so why didn’t you tell him that? kiyoko, why didn’t you say everything you just said?”_ sugawara’s voice sounded as if he was trying to remain calm but his curiosity and inability to understand crept into his tone. 

_“because, he can’t afford to be distracted by me right now. nationals are right around the corner- i- if i was the reason he couldn’t perform his best on the court, i don’t know what i’d do.”_ she said, her voice held more determination than yachi had ever heard from her. _“i know how much this means to him-”_

 _“but you mean a lot to him too, shimizu- i thought this confession would make you realize it already.”_ sugawara sighed in exasperation, judging by kiyoko’s silence, she was at a loss for words. 

_“i shouldn’t mean more to him than volleyball does- that’s his sport. he’s so passionate about it-”_

_“dammit—kiyoko! i’m sorry for cursing- but you have to realize whatever passion you think he has for volleyball, double it, and that’s what he feels for you!”_ sugawara had gotten louder, and more earnest in what he was trying to convey. 

a moment passed.

 _“do you think he’ll still be in love with me when nationals are over?”_ she had whispered the words so carefully, delicately. they were said in a sort of genuinely hopeful tone that fully made yachi break apart, like hammer to glass, she shattered. 

sugawara scoffed and instead just said, _“he’s crazy for you. he’s been in love with you the moment he saw you, and i don’t think he’ll stop any time soon.”_

kiyoko sighed and her voice stopped shaking. _“thank you, koushi.”_

yachi gave herself a moment to collect herself before she quickly pushed herself off the floor and rushed back into the gym. she didn’t want them to catch her listening. her legs trembled the whole way, and her arms barely had the strength to open the door, but luckily, yamaguchi was the one who opened it. he was the one who caught her when her legs gave out. 

_“yachi!”_ he shouted, the only ones left in the gym were kageyama, hinata and tsukishima and they rushed over to her. she knew at that moment she was about to cry, and the least thing she wanted was to cry in front of them so she waved them away. 

she pushed herself off of yamaguchi once her legs were steady and dismissed their questions. 

“please leave me alone.” she pleaded, a silent cry to stay away and the look on hinata and yamaguchi’s faces almost made her break down and spill everything— but she didn’t. even tsukishima looked concerned and she knew kageyama had been staring at her with so much intensity if she looked him in the eyes she would falter.

she left the gym without any more questions from the boys and forced herself to hold back the tears that gathered at her eyes. but then a few tears slipped, then another, then they just cascaded down and there was nothing she could do. the moon was her only companion in the starless night, and she let herself be comforted by its glow.

ah.

so this was heartbreak.

yachi had calmed down a bit a few hours after she returned home. but she knew if she avoided it, the question would only eat at her. she sucked in a breath before asking it out loud.

“mom, what does it feel like when you… love someone?” the realization that it was a mistake only hit her after the words left her mouth. she tensed up quickly as her mother narrowed her eyes at her. 

_“_ _love_ _someone?”_ her mother’s tone was so sharp it was like it was an accusation. yachi felt it was too late to back down now. she nodded. 

_“you love someone?”_

yachi shook her head as if on instinct. 

_“lying to your mother already?”_ her mother let out a slightly dramatic sigh and yachi puffed her cheeks. “nevermind then,” yachi grumbled, she stood up from the couch and turned to walk toward her room. what was she thinking asking her mother for help. 

_“love is complicated, but i guess it feels like losing focus around them, like you’re in a daze.”_ she heard an unusually soft tone take over her mother’s voice as she froze in her steps. 

“what?” 

her mother let out a sigh and yachi finally turned around, curiosity grabbing ahold of her before she could resist. she made her way over to where her mother was seated at the table, her laptop out in front of her and her glasses sitting atop her head. she sat down next to her. her mother was not home very often during the day. yachi relied on these scarce moments of closeness to feel the motherly affection she craved. 

_“when you love someone, hitoka.”_ she said. her voice had an edge of slight irritation, but yachi didn’t really mind- or care. she just wanted to hear more. 

“in a daze? i don’t get it.” she whispered, her mind suddenly searching through her mind for moments where she felt _dazed_ with kiyoko. just the thought of her threatened tears. a slight breath of relief left her lips when she realized she never felt ‘dazed’ with kiyoko. good. this was good. 

_“yes, dazed. in a daze could mean losing focus fixating on the little things about them. maybe some things others would find.... insignificant, you place value on it. it could be something as unimportant as the length of their eyelashes or to the more obvious, like the way they smile, or the way they laugh.”_

yachi found herself taking in every word her mother said. then a memory came to mind. _kiyoko’s hair was the same color as her eyes._ she had noticed that. that was probably nothing though, right? everyone would have noticed that. _kiyoko’s eyes crinkle into crescent moons when she smiles._ that- _kiyoko’s laugh made everything feel warm._

 _“and you find yourself wanting to spend more time with this person. you want to get to know their quirks and their personality in ways others do not. you want to see them smile, you want to see them laugh.”_ yachi was going to interrupt and say you could feel these things for a friend, but her mother seemed to read her mind. _“you may be saying these are feelings of friendship. and well, they could be. if it weren’t for the fact that no matter how much you push thoughts of them out of your head, they come creeping through when you are unfocused. plaguing your thoughts with only thoughts of them.”_

yachi’s heart sunk into her stomach.

 _“you start to notice things, the little things, you notice how they hold themselves, and you notice their passions, what makes their eyes sparkle and what makes them laugh. you start to wish that you were the one to make them laugh the most- or that you could be the one to make their eyes sparkle. you start to think ‘oh they look so beautiful right now’ when they could be doing nothing special but you think they’re extraordinary just because it’s them.”_ her mother finished with her eyes fixed on yachi’s. 

silence.

“wow.” yachi said, finally. her voice shook, “you sound like a shoujo manga writer.” her voice was shaky and fragile, and so quiet you could only hear it because of how dead silent it was. but her face held no trace of humor. her mother pressed her lips together without an answer, and only looked away. 

then there it came, the mountain of emotions that washed over her like an avalanche. 

she _loved_ kiyoko.

her love may not be intense and aggressive, but this love was _hers._ and her love was tentative and soft and warm, but it was _love._

and she had it for kiyoko.

her mother’s lips tilted in a sort of motherly frown of concern when yachi looked up, her eyes were glossed over and spilled with tears. 

_“hitoka…”_ her mother’s voice held a knowing tone. one yachi took as comfort and let it do its job as she cried. she let herself fall apart as she sobbed into her palms. it was suddenly so clear what she felt, yet she wished it wasn’t. she wished it was foggy and she wished she was stupidly ignorant to the knowledge. she wished it wasn’t clear as day how she loved kiyoko. she liked- _loved_ her. not in the way she loved being friends with yamaguchi or hinata, or in the way she loved chocolates, or in the way she liked the color green. 

she loved kiyoko in the way girls weren’t supposed to love other girls. 

she loved kiyoko in the way the sun yearned for the moon, desperately hoping to rise and see the moon shimmering and shining in all of its beauty, yet waking up to nothingness. she loved kiyoko in the way the horizon desperately chased after the sun, so close to meeting the sun’s glowing fingertips, yet being pulled away before even having the chance. 

the realization felt like a punch to the gut.

she loved her, but kiyoko did not love her back. 

kiyoko loved tanaka. kiyoko loved tanaka like yachi loved kiyoko and it was too much, it was overwhelming the amount of disappointment and rejection that flooded her, overtaking her completely.

it was ruthless how much she was hit with at that moment. the realization she loved kiyoko, that she was a girl who loved other girls, that she loved someone who loved another, the crushing wave of unrequited love that washed over her.

the realization that she wanted kiyoko to be hers yet kiyoko yearned for someone else.

yachi hid her face with her hands as she felt the hot tears run against her palms. her mother, all too knowing when it came to words of wisdom, was helpless in comforting her daughter. she awkwardly glanced at yachi, her hands lingered over her head but she pulled back before she could place it down. 

_“it’s okay.”_ she said, halfheartedly and quite unhelpfully. it wasn’t okay. her mother hadn’t the slightest idea of what she called ‘okay’. yachi grit her teeth and shook her head. she stood up from her chair, her eyes were set on anything but the eyes of her mother as she walked away to her bedroom. the moment she closed the door she sank to her knees. 

  
  


“i’m in love with her.”was the first thing yachi said to hinata and yamaguchi the moment she saw them step out of the bus. 

they had turned to stare at her, taking a few seconds to comprehend her words, then another few seconds to let their jaws drop and their brains spin in figuring out what to say. 

_“what- who?”_ she recognized the deep, monotone voice that was stuffed with banana bread and she glanced up. dammit. kageyama. 

hinata spun around and kicked him in the shins. _“shut up!”_

kageyama looked genuinely offended, and with any other circumstance, yachi would have giggled and explained, but her frown only deepened. 

“kiyoko...san. ” she said, and winced when kageyama dropped the bread he was holding, and the stupid bastard tsukishima tore his headphones off from his ears and turned to stare at her. 

_“huh?”_ they both said in unison, wow, finally, they agree on something. they glared at each other and yamaguchi only sighed and stepped closer to yachi. they must have noticed the eyebags under her eyes and the redness that crept into the whites of her eyes. their reaction would have been completely different if she had come prancing with a grin on her face. but obviously, that was not her reaction at all.

there was a moment of silence before hinata threw his arms around her. 

now, the action was not unexpected, she knew the moment hinata looked at her with _that_ expression, the one where his eyes get all soft, and his lips droop in that puppy eyed way. and yamaguchi, who’s little strand of hair that sticks up at the top of his head starts to droop- she _knew._

yet, to actually feel it is a different matter. 

she felt hinata’s embrace with his hands that wrapped around her shoulders with this soft aggression that was intense and sometimes left her out of breath. but she was thankful for it at that moment, because her knees felt like jelly. 

a moment later, yamaguchi wrapped his arms around her as well, not as aggressive as hinata, but still reassuring.

yamaguchi’s embrace that hung low at her waist, his fingers that patted her back gently, silent, unspoken words of : _i’m here._ it was affectionate, it was loose, and it was greatly appreciated that he was taller than her because she leaned down to press her head against his shoulder.

yachi wasn’t able to see anything at that moment, but if she could, she would guarantee the picture that played out was tsukishima and kageyama standing awkwardly behind the group, stealing glances at the other in some silent dilemma. 

eventually yachi felt a hand pat her head in these harsh, erratic movements that almost felt like violence, but wasn’t because she knew it was kageyama and his awkward self trying to comfort her, even if he knew nothing about it. 

and tsukishima, who only cleared his throat awkwardly and said, _“it’ll be fine, shortie, don’t cry.”_ his words were stupid and unhelpful to just about anyone else besides yachi. he barely said anything not sarcastic to her, and she was grateful for even the bare minimum. 

yamaguchi entangled their pinkies the whole way to the cafeteria. hinata was a dimmed down version of his bubbly self but kept the bright energy just so yachi wouldn’t feel too upset. she almost smiled. 

then there was tsukishima and kageyama who trailed behind the three of them, kageyama awkwardly stared daggers at the back of her head and tsukishima cleared his throat every few seconds to open his mouth to say something (probably stupid), but closed it, saying nothing. 

they all sat down, hinata and yamaguchi beside her, and for once, kageyama and tsukishima on the other side of the bench. (if you were wondering the usual order it would be yachi, yamaguchi and tsukishima sitting on one side and kageyama and hinata on the other. the three decided that hinata and kageyama ate too messily for three people to sit on that side.)

 _“why is it bad that you like kiyoko-san?”_ kageyama wondered out loud, and hinata narrowed his eyes at him, he scoffed. 

_“kageyama-kun, are you an idiot?”_ he said, and kageyama widened his eyes adjusting his elbows to stand up but ended up knocking them into tsukishima who glared over and elbowed him back. they got into a brief elbow fight before yamaguchi shot tsukishima a glare and they ended it with a sarcastic comment from tsukishima. 

_“i’m sorry, yachi.”_ yamaguchi said, a soft frown played on his lips as he pat her back. _“maybe you should distance yourself for a bit. not like all out avoiding her, but just not as close.”_ he offered, and truth be told, it wasn’t a bad idea. yachi needed to think about how she was going to get over this. it was easier when she believed it would be over soon. 

_“i don’t get it, kiyoko rejected tanaka-san.”_ kageyama said, bluntly. yachi drew her eyebrows together and her lips trembled in remembrance of kiyoko’s confession behind the wall. she debated whether or not she would tell them or not. 

_“that isn’t the point,”_ yamaguchi told him, _“kiyoko’s a third year, she’ll be leaving soon.”_ kageyama seemed to understand now, and only nodded, his eyes fixated on yachi. 

_“you can hang around us more often, yachi-san! then, you won’t need to think about her.”_ hinata said, and offered a bright smile. 

_“idiot, we have to practice, remember? she’s practically forced to hang around kiyoko, she’s the next manager once kiyoko leav-ow!”_ tsukishima said, then his knee jerked and hit the table mid sentence, courtesy of hinata. he flashed him a glare but only sighed when yamaguchi narrowed his eyes at him.

“no, tsukishima’s exactly right. how do i distance myself from her when she’s always there at practice?” she sighed, and leaned back against the booth dejectedly. tsukishima’s eyes softened and he pressed his lips together. 

_“i don’t think there’s much you can do.”_ tsukishima said, and it wasn’t even him trying to be mean, it was just the truth and yachi understood. 

she said nothing, and neither did anyone else. yamaguchi only tightened his hold around her hand and hinata held her shoulders tightly. 

_“we’re here for you.”_ yamaguchi said, and hinata agreed quickly. kageyama nodded his head once and tsukishima mumbled a quiet, _“obviously.”_

she really wished she did not love kiyoko. but she was glad she had friends that loved her. 

  
  


nationals came and went, as did the feeling of sadness that came and left a feeling of the air after it rains. yet yachi’s feelings for kiyoko did not leave so easily. they stuck around like a nail in a tire and remained a small, hidden part of her heart. 

she and kiyoko were still friends, if you could call it that. they were not as close as they had been a couple months ago after yachi put some distance between them. kiyoko was not oblivious to this change, but didn’t exactly do anything to stop it either. they talked a bit, yachi found her heart beating a bit quicker when she saw her face, but nothing compared to the feelings she felt months ago, where a laugh from kiyoko was expected every once in a while. where yachi could sit in the baths and laugh and talk with her as if they were weightless. 

yachi longed for that time back, but she knew if that close intimacy returned, she would also return to the state of yearning, yearning for someone she could not have. 

yearning to be hers. 

a week after nationals ended, kiyoko told tanaka how she felt and they ended up in this dating but not officially dating kind of relationship. but kiyoko was glowing, she was smiling and laughing much more easily, yet yachi felt this kind of disappointment. she wished her smiles were directed at her, and she wished her laughs were to be hers as well, done in quiet intimacy where the echoes could be listened to by her and her only. 

then again, kiyoko’s laughs and smiles were beautiful, and there was also a part of yachi that was thankful for tanaka. thankful they were together because of how much happier kiyoko was. her face was still pretty expressionless, and her voice even less expressive, but the change was there. and she found it in herself to be happy for her even though she longed for her deep in her heart. 

yachi was caught staring at her from the cafeteria tables, just catching a glimpse of her walking past made her stop and stare. tanaka was usually next to her, smiling like an idiot as she only frowned, a smile threatening to escape her lips. 

_“are you okay?”_ yamaguchi frowned slightly. 

“yeah.” she said, and she almost meant it. “i’m happy for her.” 

she thinks about it now and it brings an ache to her chest as she opens her mail. she shoves it under her arms as she rushes back into her dorm room. tokyo winters were colder than ever and she wishes she would have worn a scarf to go retrieve her mail.

sitting on her bed, she shuffles through the mail. she was in college now, and was just hoping to find a letter from a job she applied to the week before. 

instead a white envelope with pretty lace catches her attention. 

**_you’re invited to the wedding of tanaka ryuunosuke & shimizu kiyoko!_ **

she stares at it for a few seconds too long.

her fingers grip onto the envelope tightly, she doesn’t notice the tears falling down her cheeks until one lands on the white of the envelope, turning it into a greyish color. she wipes it away quickly, telling herself this is something good. 

she wishes she was over it, she wishes her heart didn’t crack a little in receiving this invitation.

yet although she’s crying, she’s also smiling. _good for them,_ she thinks. and she brings herself to truly mean it. 

she already knows kiyoko will look stunning in white.

  
  
  


what does it mean for something to be ‘meant to be’? 

yachi herself wondered if everything was uniquely fated. _everything._ she thought about it way too often for her liking. 

were there truly people who were brought together by fate?

when someone would tell a pair they were ‘meant to be’ was that destiny’s yarn weaving together a life of happiness for the two? 

there were countless times yachi found herself thinking of herself and kiyoko together, what they would be like, how their relationship would be, if they would even work well together. 

if they were soulmates.

she would think back to the beautiful memories they’ve made together, and frown a bit at the realization they would probably never make any more. 

yachi had countless questions, she would sometimes wish for a different reality where maybe, kiyoko would be hers. but she waves the thought away the moment it comes.

because kiyoko and yachi were the ‘meant to be’ that never was. 

the chapter left unwritten. 

the chance denied by fate.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so, you made it :( i hope it was up to standard and i really tried making it enjoyable but i love hearing comments ! so please comment things :)  
> also i'm also sorry if this was super long, i swear i tried cutting it short but i thought it was important to see the progression of yachi's feelings. also i love, love, love tanakiyo, i literally love them so, so much please.  
> i guess i feel like yachi would always have a space in her heart dedicated to kiyoko just for the reason that she fell hard and she fell so quickly during some of the most confusing times of her life, and her feelings for kiyoko prompted the realization that she liked women, so yeah.  
> anyways i hope it was also kind of canon, and i also hope i portrayed yachi's character well. i also love the dynamic between yamaguchi, hinata and yachi, i think it's precious.  
> alright thank you for reading :)


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